I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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