the condom got lost in my hair
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
