Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
