i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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