He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
