I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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