i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
