I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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