New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
