I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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