is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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