in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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