Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
