John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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