____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
