Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
