i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just invented taco cereal.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize