He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
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