Are we in a gay sports bar?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
