we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
