just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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