the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize