On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
