i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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