My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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