sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
