Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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