Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
