$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I am available for nakedness
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
