I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize