i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
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