Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i will never coherently bang her
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
