I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
