It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
