where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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