you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
