my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
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