Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize