you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize
