Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
