If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
