Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize