I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize