Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
