When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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