Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
