omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Sext me about skeletons
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I love you. Go after that dick
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
