my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
