Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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