I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
