I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
