your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
