I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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