you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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