Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
