by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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