Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
