I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
