btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
