i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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