you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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